Mwahahaha!

J to tha R-O-C,

It is late, and I should prob be going to bed rather than getting myself started on a blog. But it furthers my recent commitment to accomplishing nothing so i might as well continue haha :

Lately i have read some interesting things from a couple different "sources" in my life that seem to be intersecting on a key issue that has been swirling around my head. That issue is, I am a deliciously bad person.

Now before i get ahead of myself, this isn't about me feeling sorry for myself or guilty for something and I want people to tell me that i am not a bad person. As a matter of fact, i dont feel all that bad about it, cause lots people are bad persons. (people?) I vaguely recall a psych class in my second year that talked about how the main goal of our psyche is to convince ourselves that we are good people despite any contradicting evidence. I remember the idea really resonating within me, i wish i could remember the particular theorist or even class but unfortunately all i can remember is i had it with Brettro and we were still secretly lusting after each other.

But it makes sense; when OTHER people cheat on their partners they are bad people. When you ["you" being completely rhetorical of course] or a friend does it, it is because they were going through a really rough time or had an uncontrollable connection with the other person. The people you love "experiment" with drugs, they people you gossip about are drug addicts. When you are rude to your server/partner/telephone repair guy you are having a bad day, when someone else does it they are disrespectful and miserable. We make these kind of rationalizations everyday, explaining why the reason YOU did something distasteful was due to a variety of extenuating circumstances beyond your control and why when someone else does that same thing it is because are just a plain old bad person....by the way that entire paragraph by "you" i mean me.

One of the "sources" that got me on this train of thought was a random newspaper article i happened to read while having my morning cereal. it was by a law prof talking about a student in his class (ironically it was an ethics class) failing to report he recieved a higher grade than he had earned. The underlying message of the article was that, "an ethical person knows it's wrong to cheat, a moral person doesn't cheat." Therefore there are some very ethical people out there that are just plain bad people. I imagined most people that morning read the article over their morning coffee and were appalled with the student's behavior and agreed about the problems that society now faces incorporating ethics and morals into our corporate culture. My only thoughts were, "damn, that student could've been me," and "yep, i'm immoral."

One of the other "sources" was Newman's blog (yes nooman i faithfully read your blog, and sometimes it even makes me think) It was about "grey areas" and pledging to yourself "I shouldn't" or "Will try Not to," vs. "I won't." Something I have recently admitted to myself is: I want to do the things that I do and that's why I do them. I have stopped going into potentially tempting situations locked in a mental struggle with myself whether or not i will be able to refrain. I just jump the gun and tell myself I'll probably do it, I'll probably enjoy it, and I probably won't feel all that guilty about it afterwards...and i guess that makes me a kinda bad person.

In a way, I think that this has been the most mature and honest self-growth that i have experienced in a long time. (except perhaps the legendary a to b cup semester haha) It's so relieving when you stop pretending to be that person you think you should be and you find people who accept you for it. It's also alot easier not to disapoint yourself if you stop holding yourself to those standards. So perhaps my revelation was heroic, or perhaps it was cowardice. But i like that i am no longer (at least i don't think i am) the morally superior, judgemental person i once was. Sociology theory outlines how we need deviants in society in order to reassure ourselves that we are good contributing members of society. [The, "they are worse than me, therefore i must be good" train of thought] I dont know why i am weirdly the opposite and am a generally well behaved member of society that wishes so hard she was more deviant....I guess i make up for it by making-out with deviants instead haha.

Sometimes I tell myself that because I THINK about being a bad person it means i am probably NOT a bad person because the real bad people are so bad they don't even know what bad is anymore. But, i think that's a cop out. i think i am just your average, selfish person. And most of the time it doesn't keep me up at night. But i do have a weird memory of being a young girl and hysterically crying while my mom tried to tuck me in at night because I thought i was going to hell. That is most likely because my best friend at the time was a pretty H-core Christian and used to point out all the things i did that was a "sin." [like reading my horoscope and trick-or-treating and all those other bad-ass things i was so inclined to do. haha] But maybe, just maybe i had already figured out what it has taken me 15 odd years to get back to...me=bad person.

And then sometimes, good people come into your life that actually kind of melt you a bit because they make u want to be better. Or they remind you of times when you did similar good things. Or at the very least, you feel better cause they did the good deed of the day for the both of you. And in my case, this is usually the point when i start to self-sabotage the relationship. But that is a whole different issue, and maybe this time around i can rewrite that chapter and not eff it up!? We will see, with your pep talks i've already got an edge haha.

In an effort to not leave this on a completely dark note, i do recognize there are certain people i love so much i am a good person to them. i know there are "good" things that i do, and that i am not consciously cruel to people. but, i just felt like saying what was on my mind. :)

good-night, -Linny