Sharks vs. Dolphins: A Critical Response

Wallace, I am very concerned with your seemingly innocent attitudes about dolphins in regards to comparing them to sharks. On the surface, it would seem that you are voicing a fairly popular view (we all loved flipper right?) and are simply debating matters of the animal kingdom. I, however, in my infinite wisdom can see your underhanded opinions for they truly are; Evil, Sexist, Propaganda. Yes. You read that correctly. You see, dolphins would LIKE you to think that they are all squeaky and cute and go around all day trying to think of ways to save human lives from various disasters (such as if drug dealers tied two do-gooder children to a boat with a bomb on it or if there was a hurricane and Jessica Alba suddenly found her twisted ankle caught in a storm grate while the water around her rose at an alarming rate.) We all just love, love, love dolphins. Well, I’m about to bring the cold, hard, bottle-nosed truth to the surface. In Reality, dolphins are devious and conniving.

First of all: They have somehow managed to convince us that they don’t taste that good. Everyone gets Sooo upset whenever a dolphin gets “accidentally” caught in a fisherman’s net. If I was a fisherman, I would be pissed that these smelly, smaller fish keep getting’ in the way of the bigger fish in my net.

2nd of all: Unlike sharks, who are basically cool with being loners, dolphins are social animals. I think you and I and Freud all know, whenever aspects of a society develop some scary shit is gonna go down. (We’ve all seen Lord of the Flies right?) Have you ever seen a group of snobby, overdressed chicks at the bar stand around and pick everyone else there apart? Ya well, that’s what dolphins do everyday to the rest of the Ocean animals. It’s like girls gossiping but with more squeaking involved. These “devils with fins” swim around in their little “pods” (aka cliques) and make sure every other crab and mollusk in the ocean is aware of just how sweet it is to be a dolphin and they are not, nor will they ever be, a dolphin.

3rd of all: They kill their babies. We all would love to blame it on the dingoes but if they feel like it, dolphins will grab their little ones by the beak and straight up whack the shit out of them. Even scientists don’t know why they do this. And scientists are wicked smart.

4th of all: Dolphins are rapists. Gang-Rapists to be exact. When two (or more) male dolphins (not unlike some of the men I know) get together on a Friday night…they get to talking (squeaking?) And you know what they squeak about? They squeak about sex. They squeakity-sqeak about how they would love to get some fine, female dolphin action that night. But unlike the young men I know, they don’t go about it by going to a bar and getting belligerently drunk hoping an equally drunk chick might find them either charming, funny, handsome or all of the above and make the misguided decision to go home with them. They go about it by surrounding the unsuspecting female fish (oh wait, I mean mammal) and corralling her away from her pod by subjecting her to a series of bottle nosed jabs. Once she has been effectively isolated from her protective sphere of family and friends they will commence the gang raping. They will keep the unfortunate female captive for weeks at a time trading off with each other as they take turns having their dirty, nasty, way with her. You might wonder why, the female dolphin’s pod doesn’t get a little pissed about this and try to start shit. No, no, they can’t do this ‘cause the dude dolphins bring “back up.” If a stranger dolphin (the girly dolphin’s friend or another would-be dolphin rapist) tries to approach them, they seriously get up in his or her face.

So, in conclusion: Yes, A Shark can be one bad motherfucker, but at least he’s straight up about it. He doesn’t pretend to be a civilized, intelligent animal just to get in your pants (Whoops! Ocean, Ocean, I mean Ocean) and later on turn around and be the shark that he is. He is a shark through and through. I would any day of the week take a shark who’s straight up about his sharkiness than a dolphin whose just gonna turn around and gang-rape me in two weeks time. The End.

Ps. Don’t ever call me a suck-ass again.